Facing the Reality of Perfectionism

By: Megan Camlasaran

* This Post May Contain Sensitive Subject Matter **

Standing on my building’s rooftop, wind blowing so hard that cell-service would cut in and out, I could barely make out the words the therapist was telling me. Upon reflection, I have to think now that perhaps I wasn’t hearing what she was saying, because I didn’t want to hear any of it in the first-place.

“You may be taking on more than you can handle,” I remember she said to me before I began rejecting everything else she proceeded to say.

I never considered myself a perfectionist, but I knew that I had “higher” standards than most. It would never be enough to just work my scheduled shift, which is how I found myself working hours on end without anyone ever asking me to do so. It was never enough to just be working one job, which led me to working three jobs, while having a full-course load and having no time for friends and family, let alone myself. It was a perfect storm where I would emerge with anxiety that followed me in everything I did.

I used to laugh with others when they would gawk at me in disbelief when hearing about my daily routine and standards. In fact, I used to revel in it, because it made me feel like it was apparent just how hard I could push myself. There became a point where my mentality was one of an overachiever, but physically my body could not do what it had done in all those self-sabotaging years of lonesome and sleepless nights.

Setting standards and goals for yourself isn’t bad. Having high standards pushes you to really test your limits, but sometimes they’re set so high they simply cannot be met, or they’re met with great difficulty according to a report from Anxiety Canada.

There’s been multiple times where I’ve pushed through to meet a goal, where I’ve ignored all the warning signs of physically and mentally burning out just to reject the idea of not being able to do something, because to not reach the goal that I placed my worth in wasn’t a reality I could accept.

“Striving for perfection isn’t the same as being competitive or aiming for excellence, which can be healthy things. What makes perfectionism toxic is that you’re holding yourself to an impossible standard,” says Christie Aschwanden in an article published by Vox.

My thought process followed along with black and white thinking where anything less than perfect was failure. I resorted to catastrophic thinking and found myself negatively overthinking situations I had no control over. Which led to forming “should” statements, that perpetuated thoughts of not feeling any self-worth, because I didn’t do what I thought I should’ve done.

Liz Quemada, a media production guru who has many ambitious goals has also faced the repercussions of leading a life driven by perfectionism. She was defensive whenever she was labelled as a perfectionist, because of the negative stigma that followed alongside it. She could admit to the perfectionist tendencies she held, but she justified it with the satisfaction it would bring herself and others.

It wasn’t until she “sunk” during the pandemic, where she started to re-evaluate the standards she was holding herself to all the time.

“I needed to be the girl that’s always the best,” she said. Her value was always in being able to manage everything at once, and being everywhere at once.

She found herself creating a narrative in her head of disappointing others, that made her own self-worth diminish even further.

When she could no longer find the will to get out of bed, and couldn’t muster up the drive she always had for things she loved doing, she decided to seek help through opening up to loved ones and trying therapy.

After recognizing and talking about her struggles that arose out of her perfectionism, she finally found herself in a place of “accepting what I can do in the moment, and knowing that being the way I am is okay.”

Photo via pexels.com

Whether or not you think perfectionism is a self-sabotaging trait or not, self-awareness of your mental health is necessary. Without it, perfectionist tendencies can lead to developing anxiety without even realizing it, until you are physically and emotionally drained.

I wish I had listened to the countless voices telling me that I don’t have to do everything, and that I am worth more than how busy I can keep myself, and how well I can hold it together even when internally I am struggling.

According to the report from Anxiety Canada, there are ways to help overcome perfectionism. It’s about practicing realistic thinking, knowing your limits and what is doable. Seeking out other perspectives is helpful, because it challenges your own thinking and allows you to perceive a situation differently. Looking at the bigger picture, and worrying less about the details can be hard, but taking things step-by-step can give you all the hindsight you’ve been missing.

Finally, I must emphasize self-compassion. Look at yourself in the mirror, and admit when you are not okay. Admit when you are feeling down about yourself, and when you feel like you can’t do it all. Instead of putting yourself down, remind yourself that it is okay to give yourself grace and just take a moment to protect your wellbeing.